The real enemy of mankind – photosynthesis

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Op-Ed: Drunk plants, card games and talent shows – what’s not to like about climate change catastrophe? Hunker down, folks and enjoy the next new so-called normal dominated by an alternative dystopian outlook where the enemy of mankind is not climate change, it is photosynthesis. Word: Hurricanes don’t give way to ‘alternative facts’, unless they’re in an alternative Atlantic.

Baleful

A lot of people, although not all, raising the climate change question this week of baleful storms and inundated cities. Too soon? It’s just a bit of wind and rain. Well, a lot of flooding in various places recently, actually, from weather systems, but, nothing to worry about in terms of climate. Besides, there’s no way the Congress can deal with climate change because there’s no belief in climate change and carbon regulations. No stomach for it. Campaign promises and administration priorities. Presidencies rise and fall on hurricanes. Donald Trump should stick to his guns, no matter what.  Unless he decides to volte face that he may trade them in an historic deal with House Democrats. Harvey flooding has released the Real Donald Trump, the guy who would sell his mother to cut a deal, any deal will do.

This dealmaking stuff is an artform, like the book says, The Don, wearing his gameface, triumphs in his signature The Apprentice. Trump’s razor edged wheeling and dealing is finally happening – he’s got a deal on Harvey flooding relief and in the process, he has developed some kind of understanding of the politics of Washington and it’s gonna be great, folks, Trumpism is gonna be really, really great.

Make America Cool 

My advice, if I was you, President Trump, I would trade up in 3 months to a new deal, a better deal. Sure, we need flood relief, now and in the future, but what if there was more we could do? Think big, Mr President, what would be the biggest deal anybody could make? A deal on climate change? That’s not just any kind of deal, oh no. It would be the biggest deal ever! Imagine a deal that was bigger than The Wall, bigger than health, tax reform or infrastructure.  A climate change deal could even make America innovate again! A Weather Wall. It would be the greatest wall the world has ever seen, let’s make America cool again by taking the sting out of the next decade’s heavy weather.

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Call it a weather deal. That’s fine, forget “climate”, I no longer care what you call it. Just, it would be nice to defang the hurricanes. If it continues in this mode, I’m just concerned that that the Irma kitten is gonna roar next year. 2030 – I can’t think about right now, it’s all of … 13 years away. I agree this flooding and storming is not because of climate change, that’s just not even close to being a possible input to this weather and it’s nonsense to even say, I agree with you, of course, and to even suggest as much is an insult to the poor begotten victims of Harvey and Irma at a time like this, I think we can all agree on that simple fact. I agree completely with those who act independently and are open-minded free thinkers. I’m one of you, a total sceptic.

Not those facts, these facts

No decisions without the facts – no, not those facts, these facts. Drain that swamp. It’s just a lot of water and weather is not climate. Plants need water after all. They need CO2 to GROW! There’s nothing we can do. Is there anything we can do? I don’t think so. We could evacuate the cities. Well, not Huston because it’s too large but we will try to evacuate Miami. We might run out of evacuation options in the future so both (many, many) sides are going to have to compromise if we’re all going to make it through this bit of weather, I mean, heavy, heavy weather. It could be worse. It could be a nuke has exploded here, destroying the city! How do you lose a city? Nuclear war and a lot of bad weather. At least it’s not radioactive in Huston.

Climate Change is Just a Theory, IMO

Besides, it flooded before like, 30 years ago. There wasn’t even climate change then so I don’t know where you’re coming from. Hurricane season is normal and even a blind man can see the evidence, there is no evidence, what evidence, you have no evidence that I can see. Where’s your data? I don’t see any data. Flooded Huston is not data. It’s just a flood. The highest windspeeds of any hurricane on record is just that, a record, it’s not data. “I think climate change is just that, a theory and that’s my opinion.” And we all know, even Harvey, Irma and Jose know, you are entitled to your opinion. But the hurricanes don’t have regard for opinions, you see, that’s the problem here – they’re not listening to your opinion.

Fuzzy science of CO2

Here’s the science bit, buckle up: Plants need CO2. They get drunk on CO2. They love it. They’re all good plants and if we grow potatoes and tomatoes we’ll get giant balls of flour and juicy practical fruit, I mean, veg, I mean, everyone’s a winner. Sorry, I’m a drunk plant and I’m going to feed the world because that’s what plants do all by their ownsome. Sometimes I think photosynthesis is the real enemy of mankind. Nature never did it. I invented farming. Know your enemy. Cheers to one and no-one. Burp!

Hurricane Hyggelig Chic

Me, I’ll have Dick Branson’s foxhole. He rode out the greatest tumult in Atlantic history in his own personal wine cellar, setting in motion a new consumer trend for hurricane hyggelig. He’ll recover from this setback, I would wager. Branson’s billionaire’s platform is branding, like Trump’s, and Virgin Atlantic Climate Change Wine Cellar Bunkers are – ON SALE NOW. A luxury waterproof/wind resistant wine cellar for you and your family to take shelter in while all this blows over, complete with a compendium of games, a bath full of fresh water and a butler.

And it will blow over. We’ve had triple whammies like this before. It’s just a lot of rain. They had the night of the big wind in 1839 at home in Ireland. My mom told me once that she heard stories about it as a kid, a folk tale from before The Famine handed down as oral history and admittedly a third-hand witness, but, if it pleases the court, quite relatable, if I do say so myself, your honour.

Money Hidden in the Thatch

People used to hide their valuables in the thatched roofing of their houses for safe keeping away from prying eyes and reaching hands, said my mom. The thatch was all blown off all the houses during the night of the big wind and people lost their money. A bit like Barbuda last week with the blown down roofs. That was 1839 and they were thatched roof cottages but it’s the same thing. This is nothing new, it’s hurricane season 2017, is all. Tile roofs in Barbuda this time, is the only difference.

Barbuda Big Wind

But President Trump doing deals with Democrats – that’s new. That’s a quizzical breeze.

Take Two – Take it From The Top

The White House Brass are managing up, fighting with their guy in a foxhole of his own digging. So – here’s what’s going to happen in my prediction. I promise you, this is as unscientific as it gets. The Democratic Party have found a way to peddle influence with Donald Trump. Somebody, finally, has man-hoovered him into a position where he can do something tangible. I feel he has, he’s pulled up his braces lately and he’s getting to grips with things at last. The debut was a bit, you know,  gauche, but now that he’s talking again after silly season, we can talk about doing a deal. Let’s take it from the top. It’s called, Earth. You live on it. So do I. So does everyone else. It’s like a giant golf course with condominiums all around it.

The brass in Trump’s WH, they’re heckofa good guys and they do preparedness, that’s kind of their thing; bug-out-bags, extra ammo, paracord, WH bath tubs filled with fresh water and whatnot. They know about climate change from their work in the security business – it’s on their radar, you could say.  Business sees it as a risk in their cost base unless you’re Richard Branson and then you can just play cards by candlelight. My question is, what would it take to get Donald Trump to admit climate change is a thing worth doing a deal on? He gets great ratings, BTW, Dick Branson.

Donald’s Deal on Climate Change

I predict The Donald is going to do a deal on climate change in the next two years. That’s my prediction and it’s based on the principle that “anything is possible”. It won’t be next year. Following the mid terms. With his new party, the Democrats because he will flip allegiance to people he can work with in Congress. He’ll do a fantastic deal on decarbonisation because it makes American jobs and it feels great, doesn’t it?  We will get the world’s bigliest climate deal at the time we need it. All we need to do is to last two more years to see it happen 😉

  • Colbert struggles to comprehend the latest reinvention of Donald Trump

My most dire prediction for the future of climate change is pretty grim. Look away now if you don’t want to be distraught. My worst prediction is, that the permanent climate catastrophe fundraising celebrity phone bank is with us to stay. Charity concerts for flooded cities and obliterated, coastal regions are the new normal. It could be the silver lining or it could be an even greater calamity than apocalypse, depending on your point of view. I’m a sceptic so I know that it’s just a racket for making money somehow. That’s what climate change is. A scam for making money by making people believe in stupid hurricanes.